Did I promise you that I know 4 steps how to transform yourself from a loser to a winner?
That is true, I will share 4 steps that changed my mind and my life significantly. I cannot even distinguish which one field of life it improved the most because it improved all! I could change the title of this article and it would still be true:
- How to improve the quality of your life?
- How to boost self-confidence?
- How to overcome helplessness?
- How to improve your job performance?
- How to improve relationships?
- and so on…
That is why I choose quite a universal title that talks about being a LOSER. Even if you are already a WINNER you will find this article useful, because it is about improving your thinking process.
One thing – clicking “like” on this article will not make you the winner. But you can transform yourself into a winner if you apply what you read.
How one becomes a loser?
To know how to stop being a loser we must know how one becomes a loser.
It’s quite simple – the mind of a loser is the one full of excuses and justifying everything. Stop justifying yourself – and you are the winner! To be able to stop it, we must understand how does it work.
Now let’s do a little exercise of mind. Imagine that all your savings are in one big wallet. And now, imagine that you lost that wallet – somewhere, you cannot even remember where.
What are your thoughts? Are they like this: “why did I lose my wallet?”, “how did I lose my wallet?”. Are these questions important? Are they relevant? Now you don’t have money at all, but you must continue living, is it really important why and how did you lose it? From these questions comes the mind of a loser. It tells you:
“I lost my wallet because others distracted my attention.” (Denying responsibility)
“I lost my wallet because I am clumsy and careless.” (Lowering self-esteem)
“I lost my wallet because they are bad people.” (Surrendering to circumstances)
“I lost my wallet because I am not meant to have money.” (Surrendering to a false belief)
The worst is when we start blaming spirits, destiny, god and similar beings.
These all are excuses or justifications. I was repeating such things in my mind a lot, finding reasons for negative events of my life, explaining them with flaws of myself and the evil of the world. All this led to a thinking pattern when I found an explanation, excuse or justification, and somehow everything seemed to be OK. Hey, I found an explanation! I can justify it! There is no guilt of mine! I could do NOTHING! Even if I found guilt in my character or personality – it seemed that I could do NOTHING and there is no guilt of me. Everything is okay.
But hey, you lost all your money! How to continue living? Not okay at all!
You can tell me that money is not the most important thing to worry, one can go to work and make them again.
Imagine a worse situation then. Imagine that all your relatives died in a bus accident. What the answers to questions “why did they die?” and “how did they die?” give to you? You don’t have them anymore, and no answer will bring them back.
This is how the thinking pattern of a loser works:
- Raise a question why did this happen
- Find the uncontrollable reason
- Understand, that you could do NOTHING
After working few years surrounded with successful businessmen and other interesting people I observed, that they have a different pattern of thinking. They think like this:
- So, this happened. What to do next?
- How to avoid this in future?
They do not justify themselves, questions “why did this happen” and “how did this happen” are raised only to avoid failure in the future, not to justify themselves in the present.
The way of thinking you must master if you want to stop being loser and to become a winner is:
Justification is playing with words and thoughts to get rid of guilt, to find uncontrollable reasons why did we fail. We may think to ourselves that we have cleared our souls from responsibility by some kind of right thinking, but the feeling of being a loser is still there. (more perils of it here)
If you stop justifying you will see how much could you actually do to change everything. How much you are in control of your life. Don’t believe me? You are not supposed to believe my words, you are supposed to believe your experience. Try the 4 steps to change your mind into a mind of the winner – to stop justifying.
One thing – I am not a weightlifting fan who claims that there should be NO EXCUSES and you must go to the gym. No. I am here to explain that you don’t need to explain yourself to fans of any activity and do whatever you think needs to be done. I have no excuses, but I am not into weightlifting.
4 steps how to stop justifying
1. Stop justifying for others
I often hear sad stories in buses and trains, when a passenger without a ticket justifies himself to the conductor – oh, I could not buy the ticket because it was raining, I have a weak eyesight and so on. What is the difference why they could not buy the ticket? The law was broken, the fine should be paid.
I agree that there is compassion, sometimes we can forgive to those people – they really could not buy the ticket. But in this world of technology and automatization – often there is no place for compassion, your computer or phone do not have it.
Let’s analyze other situation. Imagine, that you are a housewife making food. But then you start watching super-amazing series on TV, forget your cooking and the food burns. Your family will not get full if you say, that the series were too interesting.
The same with your job – the boss have many things to care about, so if you start justifying why couldn’t you do the assigned task on time – think about him how should he justify himself before his own boss or clients? Maybe he will tell that his employee is a loser? As the one who had a career in finance, I can tell you personally – there is no place for compassion in the jungle of business. If the job is not done – it is not, and it is not important why.
Now it is time for the cure, the way of thinking to apply. If you practice the given sequence of thoughts one day it will become a habit. The moment it becomes a habit – you will become the winner.
If I fail – I do not look for excuses or justifications, do not tell sad stories.
- I confess that I failed.
- I say that I am sorry.
- I do a positive step and correct the situation immediately or at least tell how will I do this.
- Then I may ask for compassion and understanding.
I made some examples for you how to deal with already mentioned situations.
The food has burned (confess the fact), I go to make a new meal (a positive step). I am sorry (a place for compassion and understanding).
If they are really interested they will ask why did it burn and you will have a chance to tell about the amazing series.
I failed to do the assignment on time (confess the fact), I take full responsibility (a place for compassion and understanding), I will work overtime and finish it tomorrow (a positive step).
Your boss doesn’t want to know why did you fail, he just knows that customer will kill him tomorrow because of you.
I failed to prepare for the exam (confess the fact), dear professor, would you be so kind (a place for compassion and understanding), and let me do the exam tomorrow (a positive step)?
The professor usually does not care why you did not prepare – be it a party, or sleepless night preparing for the exam of another professor, he cares only about the most important subject – his own.
I am not telling that everyone will forgive you and let you correct your mistakes. I am telling you how to be the winner. Even if you fail.
2. Stop justifying for yourself
Now it is time to transfer this pattern to your thoughts!
What you talk creates your image in the eyes of others. If you talk like I suggest you will seem responsible, smart, pro-active. But from “seem” to “be” there is one small step – you need to really think what you are talking. (Develop a thinking habit)
You cannot cheat yourself with well-constructed justifications. If you repeat to yourself such nonsense as “I cannot eat vegetarian because I have no money to buy it”, or “I did not have time to join the community activities” when the real reason is “I don’t care”, you will feel like torn apart from the inside. Confess the fact – I don’t care. Why? Why do you want to know why?
I forget to call my mother to say “happy birthday” because someone called me and talked a lot. Yep, I found the one who is guilty! Wouldn’t it make sense to just better call your mother even if it is too late?
The way of thinking:
- How to correct the situation?
- What to do to prevent it from happening again?
Raise those questions again and again and you will see thoughts becoming actions and circumstances influencing you less and less. You will start owning them.
3. Do not take responsibility for others
The one who takes responsibility for others is a leader. But if you are making a step from a loser zone – it is too early for that. (The principle of Chinese Emperor applies here)
Sometimes you just delegate your task to someone else and it is their responsibility. So, stop excusing – if there is someone else responsible, do not let yourself be blamed for their failures.
You may deal with slow government institutions, breaking computers, illnesses, accidents. How can you excuse for these things? What you need to do is to know what is happening, stay tuned. Maybe there is a way others can help you to deal with things that are beyond your control?
The way of thinking:
- It is not my fault. I am taking responsibility if it is mine. I deny responsibility if it is not.
- But I must know what is happening.
- And I can ask for help.
I am sorry (a place for compassion and understanding), the job is not done yet (confess the fact), you can contact responsible person here (a positive step).
I am sorry, the job is not done yet, I cannot ask the government office to hurry, but maybe you can help me (a positive step)?
This way of thinking might lead you to deny responsibility all the time or take the responsibility all the time (dependent on your weakness). That’s why it is the third step, try it when you have mastered the first two, so you can know where it is your field of responsibility and where it is not.
4. Confess the real reasons for action
If you confess the real reasons for some event, you will know how to avoid that event in the future. It is important to know the real reasons and those you can influence.
What do I mean by real? Imagine, that you got an offer “Let’s go to the party!”. But then you say that you cannot because you must help your family at home. “Ask them if you can help the other day!” The real reason is that you don’t want to go to the party. It is not necessary to speak it loudly – just know it yourself. Why did you fail to do this or that task? Because you did not have time? Or because you just don’t care, you are lazy, or not interested at all?
What do I mean by influence? Imagine, that you went for a picknick with your family, but then the rain started, everyone got wet, and eventually, sick. Oh, that rain! You cannot influence rain. But you can check the weather forecast. You can prepare raincoats. You can prepare your mind for an adventure.
I agree that you cannot always tell others that you don’t care for homeless people, hungry African children or the job they ask you to do. For others, you can make excuses, but not for yourself.
I don’t want. I don’t care. I don’t like. I will not go. This is enough, no excuses are needed.
Honesty might seem rude. You can put it softer:
Thank you for the offer, but not this time. (And, probably, not the other time too)
Cannot go for personal reasons. (Those reasons are: 1. I don’t care; 2. see no. 1)
Or you can make a step to becoming a leader – offer an alternative:
No, I will not go to the party, let’s make a discussion about books. You don’t want? Why??? You are so weird!
No, I will not donate to homeless people, let’s support the independent artist who created the music I like. You don’t want? Where is your compassion?
Suddenly, you will have all the decisions in your hands. You are the winner. And leader. Is it scary?
Benefits of not justifying
This way of thinking must be practiced at least 6 moths to feel the benefits. But it is very simply to practice, much simpler that dealing with overthinking. It is easier, because at first it is a pattern of talking, and you can change it much more easily than patterns of deep thinking.
- I know why I do what I do because I do not cover it with justifications.
- I know what I don’t want to do because I do not think about excuses that do not “allow” me.
- I hear my intuition better because I think more about inner reasons for my actions than excuses.
- I have more self-confidence because I know why I do what I do.
- It is easier to say NO because I don’t need to think about excuses.
- It is easier to make decisions because I don’t need to think about excuses for them.
- I look more like a winner than a loser (I guess).
Now it is your turn.
Do not try to justify yourself that you are reading things on the internet instead of doing other work. Share this article and decide what are you going to do next.